


One Last Time

by starvonnie



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One)
Genre: Blood, Break Up, Purging, Self-Harm, Vomiting, its more implied than described though, well energon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 17:24:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9196007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starvonnie/pseuds/starvonnie
Summary: Rodimus notices that something is off about his relationship with Megatron.  Something that he doesn't want to admit to himself.  Then they find the Knights of Cybertron and he realizes he's going to lose Megatron in more than just one way.Inspired by this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_OHDhT32KA





	

**Author's Note:**

> Remember when I wrote that fic where Rodimus has to deal with Megatron's death? I thought my brain couldn't possibly get worse than that, so uh, sorry! I hate that I wrote this too!

The fears all started with a kiss.  Chaste and soft upon his forehelm, like it always was.  A parting kiss given to him in their shared office as they passed off command of the bridge to each other.  Today's should have been no different.  But it was different. 

At first, Rodimus didn't understand what it was that had changed.  He pushed it to the back of his processor and told himself not to worry about it, but though out of the way, in his processor it stayed.  It was only once he was given a few more pieces of the puzzle that he was able to see the whole picture.

The second piece came that night.

By the time they were getting ready to turn in for the night, Rodimus had almost forgotten about the incident, but he was given a harsh reminder once Megatron turned off the light and climbed in beside him.

Rodimus waited with a little smile to feel Megatron's hand on his waist, right before he kissed him good-night.  But the words came before the action.  And even after they were said, the actions still weren't followed through.

"Good night, Rodimus."

That was it.  He didn't even try anything else.  Rodimus considered performing the gesture himself.  After all, after years of him kissing Rodimus good night, maybe he just wanted to be the one to be kissed.  But his hand stopped just before it found Megatron. 

Was he mad at him?  Rodimus thought of everything that had happened in the past few days.  Nothing major popped out at him, and anything minor hadn't seemed to upset him, but maybe he just couldn't see it?  He questioned him the next morning, after he'd gotten so little sleep that his optics burned and his spoiler sagged.

"Are you mad at me?" Rodimus asked it while he was sitting on the edge of the berth, dreading the coming day, while Megatron had his back to him.

Turning to face him, Megatron put on a little smile.  It seemed as off as the kiss had been.  As off as their good-night.  "No, I'm not mad at you," Megatron said. 

He could be lying.  He was a good liar, if he was anything.  But his words sounded true.  More genuine than his smile, anyways.

They worked a double shift together.  Every word passed between them was strictly related to whatever task was at hand at the time.  And no matter how many times Rodimus looked at him across the room, he never caught Megatron looking back.

A week later, Megatron said something over energon that made Rodimus' spark feel like a rock in his chest.

"I'm working late tonight, so I'm going to recharge in my old habsuite so I don't wake you."

Rodimus slowly lowered the glass from his lips.  The energon suddenly tasted sour.  He forced himself to swallow what was in his mouth, then, while staring down at the rest of his drink, he murmured, "I don't mind.  You know I'm a heavy sleeper."

"I know, but you haven't had a good night's recharge in a while," Megatron pointed out.  His hand slid across the table, touching Rodimus' so gently he might as well have not done it at all.  "I worry that I'm the one keeping you up."

He knew that Rodimus was on to him.  But Rodimus wanted to keep pretending he didn't notice any change. 

"Nah, I'm just worried about other stuff," Rodimus lied.  "You're not going to wake me."

Megatron gave him a sympathetic smile.  "It's just one night.  I'll recharge here tomorrow."

And he did honour that.  But another day came where he gave Rodimus the same excuse, only this time, Rodimus didn't fight him.  He said, "okay," and continued to lie to himself.  Before he knew it, Megatron was spending half of his nights in his own habsuite, and soon enough he stopped telling Rodimus where he would be.  Rodimus found himself staying up later and later, hoping that that night would be the night that Megatron would return.

He missed his ventilations at night.

It was so strange, though.  Megatron still kissed him, still hugged him, when they were in public.  More often than before.  Rodimus could see the strange looks others' would give them.  They had gotten used to seeing Rodimus beg and plead for these displays of affection, but never had Megatron been so willing to give them, nor had he been one to initiate them apart from very rare occasions.  Had any of them noticed that Megatron never went home with him?

Rodimus spent so much time worrying and analyzing every interaction they had, or didn't have, that he all but completely neglected his job as captain.  He was thankful that Megatron was there to pick up the slack, but that made him unable to truly claim the glory when they completed their quest.

They'd actually done it.  They'd found the Knights.  Rodimus had just stood there while Megatron and Magnus dealt with the diplomacy of the matter.  In all of craziness and through all of the celebrations at completing what they set out to do, Rodimus didn't even consider what that meant for them.  What that meant for Megatron.  It was quite a slap in the face from reality when Megatron was once again on trial.

At least Rodimus had gotten used to sleeping alone.  It would have been quite a shock to have him suddenly taken from him.  But that didn't mean it didn't hurt anymore.  It just meant there was another, more tangible reason for keeping them apart.

Rodimus sat in on the trial, despite other's telling him that he really didn't have to.  Drift had even offered to take him somewhere fun to keep his processor off of it.  But here or there, something would bother at his processor.  Something would keep his mind occupied.  This was the less painful of the two options.

It was funny.  At the first trial, Rodimus had watched with giddy anticipation.  His enemy was getting what he deserved.  He'd started a war that had killed billions of his kind.  A war that had reached even beyond their planet, to snuff billions of other life forms that resulted in the extinction of species and the endangerment of others.  Whole cultures had been lost.  Planets reduced to little more than charred shells.  A lifetime of imprisonment wouldn't atone for what he had done.  Hell, even death wouldn't.  But now... Rodimus didn't know what to feel.  So he decided to do what he'd been doing to get him through the last month of torture.  He'd numbed himself to everything.  Even when the verdict came, he felt nothing.  Of course Megatron would be found guilty.  To say otherwise would do a great injustice to so many dead.  And if the law didn't take him down, someone else would.  Primus knew many had tried before.

That night Rodimus knew his days of waiting up for Megatron were gone, but that still didn't help him sleep.  All it did was conserve what little energy he would have wasted by keeping the lights on for a few more hours.  Rodimus still lay awake, staring at the ceiling, feeling more tired than he'd ever felt but unable to fall asleep.

There still remained one final suffering.  The last piece of the puzzle.  But even without the puzzle complete, Rodimus could still see the picture.  But he still had to lay the last piece down, or else wonder if that piece could have changed the whole picture.  He had to snuff that last bit of hope that that final piece would say "just kidding!" and let him truly mourn the passing of his beloved.  To do that, he had to face Megatron one last time.

At the door he was stopped and ordered to open his subspace.  He stood there and swallowed his discomfort as one of the guard's stuck their hand inside of him to make sure he wasn't smuggling anything in to try and help Megatron escape.  After that, having them probe into his software to deactivate his weapons didn't feel invasive at all.

He was personally escorted deep into the jail, then down an empty hallway that only had one cell at the very end.  The guard gave them some space, but not much.  And since they had probably amped up their hearing, they'd probably hear every word.  Would they care enough to share that Megatron didn't...  Rodimus couldn't even think it.

Rodimus stared through the bars at the hunched shoulders, the hanging helm, the dim optics... Rodimus had never felt bigger, and yet he felt so terribly small. 

He didn't want to see Megatron like this.

Taking a half-step closer, Rodimus grabbed a bar with one hand and let his helm come to rest on another.  The slight noise drew Megatron's attention, and barely-online red optics rose to meet his, and Rodimus was surprised that they held his gaze.  He couldn't remember the last time that Megatron had looked into his optics.  But this was never going to be a loving look.

"Rodimus, I..."  Megatron sighed, and that sigh spoke volumes.

"I'm sorry that this happened," Rodimus said quietly.  "I know that in the beginning you wanted to do something good.  But... things happen.  Now we've gotta face 'em."  He didn't know whether he was talking about the war or not.

"I'm sorry that I have to leave you," Megatron apologized as well.  Rodimus knew that he meant the fact that he was dying, but he couldn't help but think that his words had a duel meaning as well.  If they couldn't bear to say it straight, they had to get it out somehow.  But it still didn't give Rodimus the closure he so desperately needed.

"I never deserved someone like you," Megatron whispered.  "Brave, caring, and of course, beautiful.  I worry I've tainted a creature as magnificent as you."

Rodimus' tank twisted.  He would have been worried about purging if he hadn't been too nauseous for his ration that morning.  He just hoped he could keep himself from dry heaving in front of Megatron.

"I don't want this to hold you back, Rodimus," Megatron went on.  "You have so much to give the world.  I want to pass knowing that your sunlight will bring warmth and light to others.  I want you to be the leader that I know you can be.  I want you to be the leader that I've seen you be, time and again.  You've taught me so much."

"Stop," Rodimus whispered.  Then again, maybe he'd just thought it.  Megatron was still speaking like he hadn't said anything.

"I need to know that you'll be okay, Rodimus.  I need to know that you won't give up just because--"

"Stop," Rodimus definitely said that time.  He felt the word roll of his glossa.  Heard Megatron hold his.  Unfortunately, he hadn't thought much beyond that word.  He just didn't want to hear him fill the silence.  The only one who ever saw him as the Sun, as a life-bringer, had been him.  And he clearly didn't feel that way anymore.

Rodimus' knuckles creaked under the strain as he clutched at the cell's bars as though his life depended on it.  He was glad that everyone would just assume he was upset over Megatron being in there.  Of what was to come.  They both knew what was really causing him such distress, though neither of them wanted to voice it.  But Rodimus was done denying.  If he didn't acknowledge it, he'd just keep denying it until the day his spark joined Megatron's in the Allspark.  If he even wanted anything to do with him in the afterlife.

"I'm going to say something," Rodimus said, barely audible.  He almost hoped Megatron wouldn't hear him so he could still take it all back.  Ignorance was easy.  Nothing was harder than this.  "And whatever you say after I say this, I don't want it to be a lie.  You don't have to coddle me."

"Rodimus--"

"Shut up!" Rodimus screamed at him.  Those two shouted words echoed down the hallway.  He was aware of the guard turning their helm with an annoyed look, but they didn't say anything to either of them.  Much more quietly, Rodimus said, "Just... just let me say this."

Megatron didn't say anything.  He was doing as he was told, but... the silence was stretching out unbearably.  He had to be the one to break it.

He could just leave.  Let himself and everyone else believe that Megatron had died as devoted to him as he'd always been.  It wouldn't be the first time Rodimus had lied to himself, but he was so full of lies.  So much that the truth was becoming hard to distinguish.  Like he'd told himself a million times, he told himself again that he had to do this.

Swallowing the huge lump in his throat, Rodimus whispered, "I love you."

For a long while, Rodimus just stared at the floor.  The grimy and rusty floor of the cell that would house Megatron for his final days.  He was waiting for Megatron to say something-- anything-- but when it became clear that he wasn't going to Rodimus looked up at him.  And though he'd been preparing to see Megatron looking like this, it still crushed his spark to see Megatron's downcast optics, full of pity and sadness.

What they had was gone.

It was as if the weight of the world fell upon Rodimus' shoulders.  He couldn't support himself anymore, and he fell to his knees.  It should have hurt, but he felt numb.  He didn't even care that Megatron jumped from his seat and was halfway across the cell.  It was the other half that he didn't cross that truly sealed it.  He was still honouring his request not to lie, even in his body language.

The urge to hurt himself was rising.  He'd promised Drift that he wouldn't do that anymore, and he'd kept his promise up to that point.  He didn't know if Megatron even knew that he'd self-harmed.  He didn't know if he'd ever noticed him doing it before they got together, or if he'd pieced together where all the scars came from.  He didn't want to harm himself right then because then Megatron would definitely know, and he would pity him even more. 

"I want you to lie to me now," Rodimus said after the urge became unbearable.  He'd take his lie for now, if for nothing else than to give his hands something to hold on to.

Those words had Megatron closing that gap.  He put his forehelm to the bars, and Rodimus did too, but this time he could feel the barrier between them.  This very physical bar let him know that there was no bridging this gap anymore.  No amount of lies could reignite what had burned out.  Even though they were able to intertwine their digits, their palms could not come together.

The lie was beautiful, as many lies were.  The barely-burning embers in his spark grew to the roaring fire of the past.  He told himself that Megatron's burned as brightly, but beyond this lie lay the truth that it had long since burned out.

"I love you," Rodimus whispered again.

This time, Megatron gave him another lie, "I love you, Rodimus."

He wanted to stay and relish in the lie they'd created together.  Hug him through the bars, maybe even attempt a kiss.  Even if it was just him kissing Megatron's helm.  If for nothing else than to have an actual memory of their last kiss.  It had been so long since he'd actually kissed him that he couldn't remember which one had been their last.

It was all too much.

Rodimus tore himself from Megatron and ran.  He ran until he was outside, and then he transformed and sped through the city and out into the wastelands.  The wastelands Megatron had brought to their once-beautiful planet.  He drove and drove and drove and didn't stop, even when his low energon warnings flashed about his HUD.

"I love you, Rodimus."  The last words Megatron would ever say to him.  Every time Rodimus had tried to steel himself for his imminent execution, those had always been his last words.  Now that it was a reality, albeit a false one, Rodimus couldn't take it.

Transforming back to root mode, without giving himself enough time to burn off his extra energy, Rodimus tumbled and rolled to a stop.  The scrapes marring his body stung, and he was glad they did.  They helped to distract him from the cold emptiness of his spark.  From the pain that spread from his chest and through his veins.  Now he hurt inside and out.  Though if his physical pain matched his emotional, Rodimus had no doubts that he would be dead by now.

Rolling over quickly when he felt sick, despite the hurt it brought him, Rodimus dry heaved, with only bits of spittle coming up.  He wished he had something to purge.  Then he'd have the hope that once it was all gone, this feeling would stop.

Once Rodimus was offered a moment of peace, at least from the heaving, he commed the only bot he could bear to face right then. 

:: _Drift_ ,:: Rodimus rasped, :: _I need your help_.::

Like the amazing amica he was, Drift told him he would be right there, and sure enough, he soon saw his speeding form on the horizon.  He transformed and somersaulted to rid himself of the excess momentum, skidding to a stop and dropping to his knees beside Rodimus.

"What happened to you?" Drift asked, worry making his voice wobble.

"I was stupid," Rodimus said.  His throat felt like it was filled with metal filings.  "Please," he grasped at Drift's arm, "I need energon."

Drift wasted no time in unfurling his fuel sharing line and connecting with Rodimus.  He was running so low that it flowed right into his thirsty veins, and his amica only disconnected once the last bit went to his tank and Rodimus purged it, thankfully missing them both.

"It's going to be alright, Rodimus," Drift murmured.  "I'm here."

"I feel like I'm dying," Rodimus admitted.

"You're not," Drift told him.  "It hurts, but you will be okay."

"I'm sorry Drift," Rodimus whimpered.  "I broke our promise."

"It's okay, Rodimus.  I still love you, even though you relapsed."  Drift stroked at his plating, careful to avoid the nastiest looking scrapes.  He would have avoided them all if Rodimus' frame weren't covered with the things.  "I've called Ratchet and he's coming to get you patched up, okay?  It's going to be okay.  We'll get through this."

"I don't think I can," Rodimus said, barely audible.

"Well, I know you can.  Because you're Rodimus."

"Ha.  Right."  Rodimus flipped over when he felt another heave, this one as empty as the ones from before.

"Shhhh," Drift soothed, petting his spinal strut.  "This will pass."

Rodimus was thankful he could save face.  No one would fault him for mourning the death of a lover.  But it was so much worse than that.  Knowing that, even if he had more time, that they wouldn't have spent it together.  It was over long before he'd been given his sentence.

He felt bad lying to Drift, though.  That, and he knew it would slip out one day.  Might as well let him know now.  That he wasn't upset that Megatron was going to die, but that he was just dealing with a break-up.  Well, he was upset.  Devastated, really.  Anyone would be, watching someone they love die.  But once he knew that it was the fact that he didn't love him back that was really getting to him, he'd think he was pathetic.  Because he was.  Pathetic.

"He didn't want me, Drift!"  Rodimus rolled back over and clutched at Drift.  " _Megatron_ didn't want me.  The mech that should have been lucky to have anyone love him didn't want me!  No one wants me!"

"I want you," Drift said quietly, hugging him back just as tightly.  Rodimus relished in the pain that hug brought a little too much.  Megatron was going to undo _years_ of recovery.

"That's not the same!" Rodimus screamed right into his face.  Primus, Drift didn't deserve this!  But he couldn't stop himself.  "You're just my amica!"

Drift didn't push him away.  Didn't get mad at him for spitting at what they had.  Didn't yell at him or tell him to stop whining over nothing.  He just held him.  Occasionally whispering reassurances and telling him that he loved him.  It was far more than he deserved, especially after saying that.  It just made Rodimus feel bad all over again.  Though at this point, it was lost in the chaos. 

"I'm sorry, Drift," Rodimus said very quietly.  "I didn't mean that.  I know that you love me, it's--"

"Just not the same," Drift finished for him.  "I know, Rodimus.  I'm not upset with you.  I just wish I could take your pain away, but the reality is that I can't."  He hugged him tighter and did his best to make him more comfortable.  "Know that I'm here for you."

Rodimus swallowed, burrowing his face into Drift's chest.  "Will you stay with me tonight?  I don't think I can sleep alone."

"Of course, Rodimus."  Drift stroked Rodimus' back.  Soothing strokes over his spoiler in the way he knew would comfort him.  It helped, but nowhere near enough. 

He thought hearing someone else's ventilations would be enough to trick his processor into thinking Megatron was beside him again.  But Drift's practically sounded like whistling compared to Megatron's long and rumbling vents.  Not to mention that the arms around him were far too small to be Megatron's  This sleepless night was even more hellish than the ones where he was alone, but he made sure to thank Drift in the morning and tell him that he'd helped him sleep.  And maybe he had, once Rodimus had finally gotten past the fact that Megatron would never be there to help lull him to sleep.  The next nightmare he had he'd be left on his own to deal with.  He'd gotten so used to Megatron being there that he forgot how to deal with them himself.

Drift stayed with him every night up until the execution day.  It still didn't help.  By now Rodimus had learned how to function without recharge.  It helped that everyone just assumed he was torn up about Megatron. 

Rodimus didn't go to the execution.  Drift had offered, countless times, to stay behind with him.  Insisted that he didn't want to go anyways, but Rodimus had told him that he wanted to be alone.  Which was a lie.  He wanted Drift to be there, but he didn't want to force him to watch as he broke everything he could get his hands on.  He would find him later, among the shattered mess of belongings, but right then Rodimus wanted to give himself fully over to the anger that had been brewing inside of him ever since that half-sparked kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> There may come a day when I don't name a fic after a song title/song lyrics but today is not that day.


End file.
